Here I am
to tell you the second time I lived by feelings and how end up really
bad.
By this
time I was already away from the Church, remember the 1st post about feelings?
So all that was happening so far seems that was good but it wasn't.
I meet
some "friends" that were living on the same building I was. I was
spending more time there than in my own house. I was arriving from my work
and immediately was knocking at their door to step inside.
Here
starts a very sad story that could have a bad ending but thank to God's mercy I
am able to tell you what happen because I am alive.
Maybe I
will divide this in 2 posts because what I am about to tell you (not with all
the details) took 8 years for me to understand the wrong way I was in.
My new
friend (a mother, a father and their daughter) got really close to me. I
believe I started to consider them as my own family. The mother was facing
really bad moments with the husband and even end up to be divorced.
I will
give them all fictitious names because I don't want to expose no one here,
that is not the objective of this. The mother, Mary, cried a lot when her
husband left her and her daughter, Susan, alone. Mary had a work and Susan
was studding by that time. Susan had a best friend called Pat. All
the time they were together and now, after what happen, much more.
(In between all
this I meet a boy and start dating whit him. He was really a nice
person, he really wanted to be with me, to get married with me but because of
my wrong choices I "sent" him away from my life because I decided to
stay with my new friends.)
The bills
start to come to Mary and the money she was receiving was not enough. At
home, me and my father started to have problems every day.
He used to
close the door of our house to not allow me to get in if I was arriving after
him. Sometimes I had to sleep on the stairs and my mother, around 4am
or 5am, would open the door for me to go in, sleep a bit on my bed and wake up
at 7.30am to organize all and go to work.
Because I
was seeing Mary crying all the time, because they were lacking money sometimes
even to eat, I decided to follow what my heart was telling me: Go live with
them to help them.
When I
stop to think about this today I can really assure you all that this was a BIG
trap from the devil. How can I be worried with the lack of money of my friends
and not even think about my mother situation? She was facing the same at that
time plus the violence that my father was having against her, with
words, and sometimes even more than only words.
My mother
keeps going to the Church. She never left the presence of God and I know that,
because of her perseverance God honour her.
I arrived
home and told my mother that I decided to go with them, rent a new house with
my new friend and take care of my own life.
We rented
a house not fare from the place we were used to live. But...everything started
happening there. By that time I was smoking already :( and was working on a
supermarket as a Supervisor.
Susan gave
up on her studies as she wanted to work and help her mother and me to pay the
bills. The problem was that, because of her age, no one wanted to give her
work. She was able to find one in the evening time. She meet a boy, Peter, that
was involved with drugs.
She
started to bring him to our house, and he started to sleep there with all of
us.
The house
had 3 bedrooms but we were only using 2. Mary had her on and on the other room
we put 3 single beds. I was sleeping in one, Susan in another (sometimes now
with her boyfriend) and Pat on the other one (she was more time also there than
in her own house).
All the
shopping we were doing on weekend was not enough for the week as Susan and her
friends were eating all during the day. When me and Mary, her mother, arrived
home, many times we did not have milk, bread to eat.
An idea
came into my mind, as I am a supervisor on the supermarket, I can take food
without no one seen it. And I started to do that. In the evening time, time to
close the shop, Susan and her friends were going there to the supermarket where
I was working and were taking 2 or 3 trolleys full of food to our house.
This was
something that I was doing every week. I was stilling from the supermarket to
put food inside of our house for all the people that was there to eat. And
sometimes when I was arriving from my work, I would not have even milk to drink
as Susan and her friends were eating all.
There came
a day that we decided to give a party on that house. We invited many people,
people that I did not even know them. We eat a lot and we all got drunk.
Because of this I end up to sleeping with someone that I don't even remember
the name or the face. The consequences were terrible (about this maybe I
will speak about in another post).
Well
parties, food, wrong decisions were making part of my daily life. One day
came that we decided to leave that house because we could not afford to pay the
rent and all the bills any more.
We start
looking for another house, this one really far from the city, less expensive
and smaller. And we moved to live there. But the problem did not
remained on the other house, the problem follow us because the problem as not
in the house but inside of each one of us.
The things
got worse for me. I was far away from my work place, I had to take 2 bus to get
to work and in the evening time, tiered, when I was arriving home I would not
find anything for me to eat.
I start to
speak more to my mother about what was happening and she was making my lunch
every day and brings it to my work place. One day I arrived so tiered home and
I could not even sleep as everyone was there, friends of the friends....
I stooped to
think what in the world made me to go to live with them? They were only asking
me for 2 things: Food and Money to pay bills.
I could
not take it anymore.
One of the
nights I went out of the house and called a big friend of mine to tell her
everything I was facing there. She told me to go back to my house, to go back
to Jesus arms because that was the only solution for me.
I was
there on the phone with her for more or less one hour without even seen that
they were all inside of the house hearing my conversation on the phone. They
have heard everything all complains against them and that I was really tiered
and I was regretting a lot to left my house.
When I
hang up the phone and try to go inside of the house to sleep, they opened the
door and start beating me, giving kicks in my belly and dragging me by the
hair.
The moment
they stooped I went to my room and start packing what I could to run
away from there. I was so afraid, where I was going now? Why have I
left my mother and father house? Why? Why? Why was I so stupid?
I was full
of pains and called my brother, I knew that my father would never accepted me
back home, so my brother called him and take care of everything in order for me
to go back home.
By that
time my mother and father were divorced but living inside the same house in
separated bedrooms so I end up sleeping on the floor full of pains. The next
day when I awake...I was losing a lot of blood. But this will be another post.
Well I was
able to go there to the house when they were not there and bring all my stuff.
They even try to get there to impede me to take what was mine but
God honour my mother and He was there delaying them. When we got in
the truck they arrived. Too late for them.
I never
see them again and I do not have anything against them, but once again, because
of a feeling, a bad decision, I end up suffering so much. Many of my things
were broken and destroyed as they were not even taking care of
them properly.
I could
not even look to my father face or to my mother but she was always there
helping me to overcome what I had to face after.
Once again
I realize that my feeling, the way I was thinking as the proper way to live was
the wrong one. Full of mistakes, full of suffering, full
of disappointments to my all family.
And let me
tell you that this was not enough for me to learn and to go back to Jesus arms.
I keep myself away from the church.
Don't
follow what your heart tells you. If it looks harder to follow but its God that
is telling you to go that way, do it. I can assure you that on the end of that
road you will not end up suffering.
All
the decisions you need to make in life MUST be taken from God not from our
heart our other people mouth. This will avoid regrets, tears, sufferings and so
many other feelings that will try to destroy you even more.
Until my
next post...
God bless
you
Ana Santos
Ana Santos
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